Hi, so yeah first thing first I come here because I don't feel like studying this evening. Oh, my first paper is on this upcoming Thursday. and yeah I'm here for no reason. supposed to read something beneficial for me on the exam table. Haish

last 18/12 Tokwan passed.

and I still shocked. it's so sudden, no signs, no winds, no reasons
I bet there's a lot of reasons. hes sick, he's old, his pneumonia. but still
I just need one reason, one sign
I cant make it
I don't have the chance
to meet him before he passed.
before he's sick
before he's in the coma
I don't remember his last word to me. I don't remember his last looks
he said something that I could live by
'belajar leklok'
'tokwan takda duit nak sedekah'
'nanti mai lagi'
No. that just assumption
I don't remember his last word. but I remember his smile. his sweet smile. that i could never see again even in million years. even how hard I pray how hard I wish. his cold hand when he greets me.
tell me how your day is, tell me to eat more, tell me how good the food is.
come in my dream. say something tokwan
whos gonna feed the ducks and chicken, whos gonna love the cat. 
that empty chair will always be empty. that empty spot will always be empty. silence

your face looks calm as it always is that day. calmer, brighter
I feel like not going back to his house, never
but half of him still there, my Tok

I wish I could pray that Allah never take them away, but i cant
they are all Yours.


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