Hi, so yeah first thing first I come here because I don't feel like studying this evening. Oh, my first paper is on this upcoming Thursday. and yeah I'm here for no reason. supposed to read something beneficial for me on the exam table. Haish

last 18/12 Tokwan passed.

and I still shocked. it's so sudden, no signs, no winds, no reasons
I bet there's a lot of reasons. hes sick, he's old, his pneumonia. but still
I just need one reason, one sign
I cant make it
I don't have the chance
to meet him before he passed.
before he's sick
before he's in the coma
I don't remember his last word to me. I don't remember his last looks
he said something that I could live by
'belajar leklok'
'tokwan takda duit nak sedekah'
'nanti mai lagi'
No. that just assumption
I don't remember his last word. but I remember his smile. his sweet smile. that i could never see again even in million years. even how hard I pray how hard I wish. his cold hand when he greets me.
tell me how your day is, tell me to eat more, tell me how good the food is.
come in my dream. say something tokwan
whos gonna feed the ducks and chicken, whos gonna love the cat. 
that empty chair will always be empty. that empty spot will always be empty. silence

your face looks calm as it always is that day. calmer, brighter
I feel like not going back to his house, never
but half of him still there, my Tok

I wish I could pray that Allah never take them away, but i cant
they are all Yours.


The Feeling


Fix You

so last week i've finished this english drama called '13 Reasons Why' and i can't move. Like really can't luckilyyyyyy there will be second seasons yeahahahabsbdjhdijeh. ok let's hope that when the season 2 is out i'll be ever to watch it straight away lol. but yeah the drama just finished its series so for the next series i guess it will take years TT *cries*

i'll just wrote it here in case one day ill become old and bored and wish for my life to ends i'll be able to read this post and start watching them again :p kahkahkah i can imagine thatt.

im just soooo fascinated by the idea. the usual/cliche  drama would be there goes the hero/heroine on the edge of death and is saved by their partners, parents, knight etc and there goes happy ever after cliche endings. however this drama is totally far-far away from happy-life-become husband/wives. because.
its start with a main cast that's already dead by suicide.
i know right, i wish they all (the cast) could save herrr but it's too late bruhh. so what do the drama tell us about? 13 reasons why she's dead 
i guess it is typical drama geez.
you commit suicide then you blame other people lol. what about you? yourself? gosh youre such a selfish dumbass. THINK OF YOUR PARENT LAHWEYY
but yeah of course other people (including her parents) are guilty for not care enough. but i guess everyone had their own struggles what 

oh and the hero is reallyy cuteeee come on. MOVE ON FROM THE DEAD GIRL MAN I'M HERE

Back To You

so its my first semester and my second year here in UKM, as a Nuclear Sc. geek :p keep lying to myself how great my life've been when it's actually not. surrounded by typical depressions and insecurities really blew me up. i guess it's true that i have this **easily implodes** behaviour! (idk what's it called pardon my bad english) well no one reads this right? it just me right right so yeah who cares nyway. so few weeks past my lovely kitten died. i couldnt contained myself and cry the whole damn day even in classes! it's my first kitten who i slept and played with. it just so sad that i cant help but cry myself out lol. just the thought of you make me cried. i just hoping that u''ll die when i was there at home. so i can help burying u. or look at you for the last time. why babe? you're so healthy back then ;( come backkkkkkkk kitty ;( im heading back this thursday. and the thought of you running throughout the house, slept on my bed, bring those twigs inside and i'll scold you for bringing dead leaves in. im sorry, come backkkk pleaseeeee

i promiseee i'll never hit you or scold you. i'll never get annoyed by everything you do. as long as you come back ;))))

All Time Low

so today i took a 'nap' about 3 hours. and i felt horrible , ughhhhhh mimi why u sleep so much ah? what happen? you're not even study or pregnant or busy with some sorts of bussiness or something == yeah i've been cursing myself lately, likeeeee MIMI GET THE F UP AND STUDY U WANNA SLEEP WAIT TILL U DIE AH. because i know during my final weeks i'm gonna regret everything so bad. what should i do? where should i start? oh this questions pops out a lot. even it doesn't really matter. u only need to have a starting point woman! STARTTTTTTTT RIGHT NOW. 

Part of your Symphony

it's been a while since i was here.and i'm not really sure why am i here back after years,
i guess because i miss talking to myself with only my hands typing and my heart saying. so today i just got back from a camp that took my whole weekend! awh i feel awful, believe me this week gonna be worst. 
regarding the camp ; 
i love the part where i can actually escape from reality and back to trees and stars, meeting new people and creating new bonds. overall it was great, except for the fact that i only have 3 hours to sleep, and i can't take long shower Lol. Now since it's weekdays i have to fix my sleeping schedule gosh. 
my last post was on 2014/2015 i guess. i'm not sure and too lazy to check! regarding my 2017......
im getting LAZIERRRR, i procrastinate ALOTTT, and there's still no sign of me getting into the Dean's list. OHHHH I REMEMBER HOW POSTING HERE REALLY HELPS, suddenly i felt that strong vibe coming from nowhere. awhh now i know what to do when i'm feeling blue! i just make a vow that i'll update any progress regarding myself here! Adios
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